


Something Phenomenal

by RurouniHime



Series: Downpour series [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Community: help_haiti, Confessions, Established Relationship, Guilt, Infidelity, Letter, M/M, Reconciliation, Trust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-28
Updated: 2011-07-28
Packaged: 2017-10-21 20:41:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/229647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RurouniHime/pseuds/RurouniHime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Draco finds Harry's letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something Phenomenal

**Author's Note:**

  * For [raskanii](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=raskanii).



> Written for Raskanii for her donation to the help_haiti lj community.

_Draco,_

 _I'd like to make this letter mean something phenomenal, something that can fix all of what has happened. But the truth is, I don't know how to apologise anymore. There is nothing that I haven't said already at one time or another. I've said some of it multiple times, and I meant it every time._

 _I do know this: I have been truthful with you about everything. About what happened in that pub and what didn't happen afterward, in the pub or anywhere else. I know that my word means less now than it ever has. I know that you don't trust me. I also know that you are trying to trust me again, and it breaks my heart because I want that trust more than anything. I'd give anything to gain that space again, that understanding, and that faith. But I understand. I understand why you can't, and maybe even why you shouldn't._

 _I cannot force trust on you. That is something to be earned, and I've obliterated many of the inroads we've made these four years, I know that. When you ask me over and over about how far my infidelity went, I don't blame you for not taking me at my word. That's your decision, and yours alone. But I swear to you that I have told you the truth, every time._

 _For what it's worth, my infidelity to you only ever existed in my mind. Perhaps that's an infidelity of faith, and if it is, then I deserve your anger and I deserve your disappointment. Merlin knows I'm beyond disappointed in myself. I love you, Draco, and I refuse to hurt you any more than I already have, and that is why the loss of faith that occurred in my mind will never, ever make it out into the real world_

 _I wish I could fix what I've done, what we've turned into. I wish that more than anything. But I don't know how anymore. I'm out of words._

 _Always yours,  
Harry Potter_

 

Someone bumped into Draco's arm. His pint toppled over, spilling a golden pool, and Draco jerked the letter to safety.

"Oh, sorry, mate."

Draco said nothing as his assailant signaled the bartender, a broad man who reached for the tap of Strongbow. Draco shook his head, waving the replacement away. The bartender raised his eyebrows.

"Something else? On the house."

"No. Thanks."

The bartender shrugged and headed back toward the till, leaving Draco alone again.

What was he even doing here? Draco rubbed his face with a shaking hand. Two hours ago, it had seemed like a good idea, but… What exactly had he been hoping to accomplish?

Fuck. He didn't even know if he was in the right pub.

It was too early to be getting hammered, and Draco barely drank as it was. Maybe he'd chosen correctly, maybe this was even the right pub, but there was no chance in hell that the man he was looking for was going to pull up a stool next to him and order a pint. Draco didn't know what the man looked like anyway.

 _I also know that you are trying to trust me again, and it breaks my heart because I want that trust more than anything._

Draco scrubbed at his face again, and crumpled the letter accidentally. He chewed his lip and smoothed it out against his knee, but the crinkles were already there to stay, bracketing Harry's jagged penmanship. Draco read the sentence again. He had to think for far too long to remember when he'd heard Harry's voice last.

"Last night," Draco muttered. Of course last night. They'd discussed dinner, linguine with Bolognese from a Waitrose jar. Draco pitted the question of noodles against the unasked question of how their respective days had gone, and knew what they'd talked about in the kitchen did not count as conversation.

Merlin. He had to stop looking for answers where he knew there were none. Because that was what he was doing, cold sober. No excuses.

Draco pushed himself off the stool and picked up his jacket.

* * *

He found Harry at his desk, bent over a stack of reports, his head resting on one hand as he scratched out notes with a utilitarian black quill. Harry's finger tapped an unsteady rhythm against his temple, and Draco found himself frozen in the doorway, counting the beats.

"Hey," he said, when he finally found his voice.

Harry's head came up. He took Draco in with a mute look, and set the quill down. His jaw twitched. "Hi."

Draco came inside the office, feeling like he was being eyed by everyone in Harry's department. He wet his lips and found himself staring at the window. Cool evening light trickled into the room. He took a breath and met Harry's gaze.

"I read your letter."

Harry nodded slowly.

"I'm…" Draco cleared his throat, suddenly brimming with loose energy. "Listen, can we… Can we get dinner?"

Harry glanced away and back again. There were so many questions in his eyes. Draco didn't know where to begin answering them, or even if he could.

"Sure." Harry hesitated, then stood and turned off his desk lamp. The office fell into easy grey shadows. When Harry passed through the door, coat in hand, Draco didn't move away.

* * *

"Harry, I don't determine what you think about." Draco lost his grip on his fork and it banged onto the table top. He left it there.

When he summoned the wherewithal to raise his eyes, Harry was watching him. Draco drew a deep breath.

"Thinking about being unfaithful isn't the same as acting on it." The words hurt as they came out; he wanted to snatch them back, tuck them away and pretend… pretend his eyes were still tightly closed.

Harry looked down at his plate of untouched food. After a moment of silence, he said, "The effect seems to be the same."

Draco couldn't look at him. "Merlin, Harry, the shit I've heaped on you these last—"

Harry's head jerked in the corner of his eye, and Draco stopped. Harry's jaw had tightened. He gazed at the table, frozen for all eyes. Draco nodded. Swallowed.

"I know why you did," Harry whispered.

Draco shook his head. He shut his eyes to get away from it all, but there was no escape: suddenly all he could see was Harry, staring at him with a broken expression, all he could hear were the words he'd continually spat out, souring the air between them. The most horrible part was that he agreed with those words and regretted them at the same time.

The regret, however, had begun to drown out the rest.

"I don't know how to fix this, Harry." Draco didn't recognise his own voice. He spread his hands on the table. "Every time I think I'm making progress, I… I fall back halfway. And I can't… I'm not…"

Harry remained silent. The table felt so vast between them, like some impassable gorge. Abruptly, Draco knew that he was losing Harry, perhaps irretrievably. It had hit him before, and it struck with the same magnitude this time as it had all the others. His chest cinched tighter than a noose.

"Please wait for me." Draco sucked back the sob that came out. He wiped his eyes with the heels of his hands. Looked up at Harry, needing to know that he was still there. "Please be patient with me— while I— while I figure this out."

Harry's eyes were wide. He blinked rapidly. Draco grabbed his hands, squeezing his fingers around Harry's wrists. He could feel the tears working free, slipping down his cheeks. "I don't want to lose you," he gasped. "I don't, that's the last thing I want, but I— Harry, please."

Harry eased one hand free of Draco's grasp. Draco blinked down at the table, unwilling to predict anything. Harry's fingers drifted over his hair, caressing his fringe. Draco's throat flooded with heat.

"Draco," Harry murmured, "as long as you'll have me, I'm not going anywhere."

It was strange to hear that calm centre in Harry's voice. His tone was still hollow, lacking something precious. But Draco drew strength from it as he had not been able to over the past two months. Harry's fingers continued to touch, to stroke and smooth. Draco clasped Harry's other hand tightly in his, and held on.

~fin~


End file.
